


Robin and Chrom's Gelatinous Ardor

by BeastOfTheSea



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: (if you can call it that), Crack, Deliberate Badfic, F/M, I apologize in advance for all mental images, Parody, Purple Prose, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:46:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2478641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeastOfTheSea/pseuds/BeastOfTheSea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Plot? What Plot? - but alternatively Prose? What Prose? </p>
<p>An experiment in deliberately ludicrous writing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Robin and Chrom's Gelatinous Ardor

**Author's Note:**

> "Gelatinous" is a fun word. Chrom/Robin was chosen for absolutely no reason other than that I ship it and it's popular. Fire Emblem and all related characters belong to Nintendo and Intelligent Systems.
> 
> This is an experiment. Recently, I've been entertaining someone close to me by spouting increasingly awful lines of bad!pornfic, so I decided to see if I could produce an entire fic's worth of them. I succeeded. 
> 
> I hope you have even a _tenth_ as much fun reading this as I had writing it.

"ROBIN," Chrom declared, bursting into her tent. "LET US DO IT."

Robin looked up from her book. "Why?"

"I DO NOT KNOW. PERHAPS BECAUSE OF SEX POLLEN. OMEGAVERSE. A HEX. DOES IT MATTER? MY ANACONDA DECLARES YOU'VE GOT BUNS, HUN."

"Oh, Chrom," she gasped, standing up and shrugging off her cloak like a snake shedding its skin. "That is the sexiest thing I've ever heard. Take me. Take me now."

Dramatically the Exalt ripped off his onesie and hip-thrust at her, then remembered he still had his pants on and tore those off, too. "AND I WILL LEAVE MY BOOTS ON," he declared, striking a pose that accentuated his muscles, tanned and hardened like overcooked scones.

"OOH MR. CHROM OOH," she moaned, swooning onto him and pressing her hands against his chest as though she were giving him a mammogram. "My love, let us talk deeply and philosophically about why we love each other."

"Because I'm the main man of the army and you're the main woman?"

"Aside from that," she said as she traced a finger along the Mark of the Exalt. "We have such amazing chemistry, don't we? We're comrades in arms, companions off the battlefield, collaborators at court... and I'm fated to thrust a sizzling bolt of energy into your tender, pulsating heart. Truly, we are meant for each other."

"I AM STRANGELY TURNED ON," he declared, and attempted to thrust his sizzling bolt of man-Falchion into her tender, pulsating loins. And then remembered that she still had her pants on. "THIS MUST BE REMEDIED IMMEDIATELY." 

In a single fluid movement, she tore off her shirt and her pants at the same time. The details were left as an exercise to the reader, but it involved hopping. She moaned as Chrom sucked her fleshy melons as only a Lord could suck melons, if anyone was actually into sucking melons. Lifting his head, he squeezed her tender grapefruits and stared deep into her glimmering, long-lashed eyes. "I love you more than my dick can convey," he said passionately. "Nay, not all the fucking in the world could express my love for you."

"I don't know what to say, Chrom," Robin sighed, resting her hand upon his burning staff of passion. It throbbed within her grasp like a stubbed toe. "I can think of only one way to express my feelings."

With that, she knelt before him and took his naked mole rat of manhood into her mouth. 

His eyes rolling back in his head, he groaned and thrust into her succulent oral cavity. Eagerly but carefully, like a snake gulping down a large rodent, she swallowed his massive long dong; her head bobbed up and down like a frustrated heron. "OH ROBIN," he moaned.

"OH CHROM," she moaned, but it came out "OHMMF KRMMMM." Sucking like Validar's fashion sense, she continued her ministrations until at last Chrom pushed her off his maroon rod of love. 

"MY DEAREST," he announced, his cock jutting out from his groin like an obscenely hypertrophied nipple, "I CANNOT SATISFY YOU IF YOU BRING ME TOO SOON TO MY CLIMAX. COME. WE MUST DO THE DIAGONAL HULA."

She looked up at him, perplexed. "Of course you could, Chrom," she said. "Just go down on me, and -"

"BUT THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE," he stated, "AND THERE IS NO SENSE. ONLY COCK."

After a moment, Robin's brilliant tactical mind concluded that there was indeed no sense, only cock, and resolved to incorporate this into her battlefield strategies. For now, she stood up, nodded, and flung herself backwards across her desk, scattering books everywhere. "Oh, Chrom," she moaned, her elbow sandwiched into the crevices of _On The Importance of Supply Chains, Vol. 3._ "Take me. Take me now. Make me a vessel for your seed. Fill me with the overwhelming potency of your loins. Leave me debauched and dripping, and give Grima second thoughts about moving in."

"AS EXALT, IT IS MY DUTY," he roared, and thrust into her with one magnificent motion, almost rising her off the table with the force of his fuckwand. Several books hit the floor. With the steel and fire that had earned his ancestors the rulership of Ylisse, he pounded her womanly pestle with the mortar of manhood with a ferocity to make any alchemist sexually frustrated.

She moaned, her breasts bouncing like carts over rough terrain, and clung to his virile frame like a Pegasus Knight to a steed with motion sickness. "Harder," she moaned, her muculent female cavern constricting around his magnificent man-rod. "More! More! More! THE AVATAR DEMANDS TRIBUTE, MORTAL PEON!"

"AND TRIBUTE YOU SHALL HAVE!" he shouted, hammering her like a hungover blacksmith. "THE TRIBUTE OF MY MANLY COCK!"

"MORE! MORE! IT FEELS AS THOUGH A HENHOUSE FULL OF COCK COULD NOT SATISFY MY LUST!"

"THAT IS BECAUSE A HENHOUSE IS FULL OF HENS, NOT COCK!"

"I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON!"

Even such sense could not detract from cock, and she soon felt her climax approaching, as awesome and unstoppable as Frederick's training regime. "OH CHROM!" she shrieked, seizing onto him with all her might.

"OH ROBIN!" he yelled. Midway across camp, Panne rolled over and adjusted her earplugs.

"I'M GOING TO CUM! WITH A U!"

"YOUR END HAS CUM!"

"TIME TO TIP THE _SCAAALEEEEEEES!_ " she screamed as her orgasm hit with the force of a falling wyvern; Chrom's hit the moment after, and he furiously thrust into her one, two, _buckle my shoe_ , three, four, _shut the door_ , times as his globular essence shot forth from the crimson tip of his rigid man-post, pouring into her as though he could seal Grima with semen alone. Robin shuddered uncontrollably, her insides contracting rhythmically, her mind filling with pleasure and light, and her every movement desperate to bring her closer to the source of the sensation, in every way the inverse of the typical reaction to Sully's cooking.

Sweat-soaked and exhausted, they panted in the aftermath, wrapped tightly around each other. They had no choice, for Chrom's pounding had reduced the desk to kindling. "Oh, Chrom," Robin sighed. "Please. Take all my worries away. As long as your cock's inside me, I feel that we can face any trials together."

"Indeed we can, my love," Chrom said, lovingly resting his forehead against hers. "And your tactical prowess will devise a way for us to face Validar just so. Together."

"Doggie-style would work. We'll have to work on synchronizing our steps, though. It will be more awkward than those two-man camel costumes."

He chuckled manfully. "Then we'll have to get a lot of practice, won't we?"

 

* * *

 

_"So?" Tharja snapped. More than enough time had passed for Miriel to have read the whole thing. "Have you reached the end yet? What are you going to say?" She folded her arms across her chest. "Don't you have any advice?_ You're _the one who offered to read it over."_

_The mage - finally! - lifted her head and lowered the manuscript. "Even my extensive vocabulary lacks the proper words to describe your prurient literary endeavor," she said. "It is..." She trailed off, staring down at the scroll again._

_"It is what?" Tharja asked impatiently. "Is it so good that you're lost for words?"_

_"I..." Miriel adjusted her spectacles, frowning down at the scroll. "I am lost for words, yes..."_

 


End file.
